Humour Quotes

Miss Piggy to Johnny Carson .. do you think I am Oscar material? Johnny Carson: Oscar Mayer maybe NBC Tonight Show writers

I got out my passport and discovered with a shock that I am not a citizen of Venezuela. (in reference to terrorist televangelist Pat Robertson's illegal and unethical call for the murder of an elected president of Venezuela, where gas is 12 cents a gallon).

My living will: If, God forbid, I should be in a coma for 3 months, I ask my family to build me a Great Pyramid , at least 3 square blocks in midtown Manhatten.

I don't have a problem with God. It's his fan clubs I can't stand.

They have now discovered that the Messiah has come again.. they can't release the news til she gives up smoking.

I'd get out of bed and get my wife coffee but I don't want Colombo to see me naked.

I said that Sean Hannity took residence up Newt Gingrich's butt from 94 to 98. I got that from British intelligence. It turns out he only took up residence in 95.

Many trees were cut down by the storm. The deer think it's Thanksgiving.

Kerry and Kennedy.. those 2 giant heads coming down the street together! like a Macy's Day parade.

You row up the day you have your first real laugh, at yourself.

Any discussion of the problems of being funny in America will not make sense unless we substitute the word wit for humor. Humor inspires sympathetic good-natured laughter and is favored by the healing-power gang. Wit goes for the jugular, not the jocular, and it's the opposite of football; instead of building character, it tears it down.

Ferris: Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

My father wanted to be the bride at every wedding, the corpse at every funeral. TR's daughter.

Humor is not a postscript or an incidental afterthought; it is a serious and weighty part of the world's economy. One feels increasingly the height of the faculty in which it arises, the nobility of things associated with it, and the greatness of services it renders. - Oscar Firkins: Memoirs and Letters.

Perhaps some saint drove them out of England (in response to a question about why one sees few ants in London).

She was as humorless as a chicken.

You mean I'm only paying for chicken yet I'm getting beef? response to news of pig and cow prions in chickens fed parts of those animals http:/www.rense.com.

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

I had thought, on starting this composition, that I should define what humor means to me. However, every time I tried to, I had to go and lie down with a cold wet cloth on my head.

Don't try for wit. Settle for humor. You'll last longer.